Dr. D,

Lately, all my friends have been making a lot of "gay" jokes about me. I really like musicals and fashion, have never really been your typical big, tough guy and haven't had a serious girlfriend since ... well, ever. But I've never really felt attracted to a man. Am I gay?

Bill

Thanks, and I must say your question makes me think back to my own sexual development. You see, growing up, I liked gardening, cleaning and cooking. And when I was 8 years old, I even asked my mother to buy me a Suzy Homemaker or Easy Bake Oven for Christmas. I was the brunt of many jokes and insinuations, so I can identify.

We are, at our core, human beings who will develop certain capacities in which to embrace the world. We develop such capacities as to whether we like or dislike, love or hate, or are attracted or repulsed by aspects of the world we encounter. These capacities usually result not in one definitive choice or the other, but usually end up being more about a matter of degrees within the continuum from one to the other.

Either way, it usually makes us consciously aware of where we fall in regard to our decisions.

So what does it mean when someone asks if they are gay, or even straight or bisexual for that matter?

For most people, it first means to become conscious about it and then to declare a definitive sexual orientation along that continuum from straight to gay, with bi being somewhere in between. Most people assume sexual orientation is one of those choices we have to make, and by this, I do not mean the whole nature vs. nurture debate about what determines orientation.

For me, that really is a nonissue. Frankly, the whole concept of a sexual orientation is in truth nothing more than a manifestation of man's inability to let people embrace their sexuality and experience the world in various manners and degrees without putting it into some sort of dichotomous, value-laden box.

Your personal likes and dislikes do not make you an orientation; all they make you is human.

I can't tell you if you are gay, straight or bi, and truth be told, even if I had known you for all your life, I would not be able to give you the answer, nor would I feel the right to issue such a judgment. One person cannot label another person's orientation, although many people feel the inappropriate need to do this through the use of jokes and insinuations.

Identifying oneself as gay, straight or bi is a decision that needs to be made by that person — and that person alone.

Sometimes when asked this question, I wonder if what the person is really asking is more about permission or, "Is it OK to be ..." What I can tell you is that you have the right to your sexuality, and to express it in a manner that feels most comfortable and protects and respects you and the people you interact with. I think the MOST important thing for you right now is to accept that it is OK to not be sure — and to take your time deciding which way you want to embrace that part of your world.

Labeling oneself as gay, straight, bi or something else is simply that — a label. It doesn't change who you are, what you think or what you do. It just puts a name to it. And as Shakespeare said, "What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet."

Therefore, maybe the important thing isn't that you need to label yourself correctly, but figure out who you are through self-exploration and experimentation. Find out what you like or are attracted to, then worry about how. And even further down the line, if at all, you may want to label yourself.

Just remember that even if you find one of these labels does fit you, it will never describe who you are as a sexual being. Labels don't inform you, or anyone around you, of who you are — they only define one aspect of your sexuality.

And the last time I checked, people were a lot more complicated than that. If you are looking for more help, check out the MSU Counseling Center of the Office of LGBT Concerns.

By the way, my students last year gave me a new Easy Bake Oven as a departing gift, and I now can make a mean 6-inch chocolate cake with my 60-watt bulb.

Peace. Dr. D

Dennis Martell is a coordinator of Olin Health Education and writes a weekly health column for The State News. E-mail him your questions at dennis.martell@ht.msu.edu.