Dr. D,

I was reading an article in The State News about the candlelight vigil for domestic violence and abuse last month. It surprised me that it included emotional abuse, sexual abuse and even embarrassment as forms of domestic violence. My boyfriend has never hit me, so I've never thought of myself as being a victim of domestic abuse, but now, I'm not so sure. Sometimes he calls me names, and I never feel good enough for him. I love him and don't want to leave him, but how can I get him to stop treating me that way?

Need Advice

Dear N.A.,

I believe the greatest need for anyone is to relate to another while feeling respected, trusted, listened to and validated. Love is usually a byproduct, albeit an important one, of such a healthy relating-context.

Having said that, I want you to know I thank you for your question, and I believe there are countless others who also thank you. Why? Because there are so many who are in relationships who have wondered aloud and in silence as to what a healthy relationship looks like.

I am going to use "relationship abuse" to be more precise as to what you are asking about, since domestic abuse is an overarching term that includes other contexts. Defining whether you are experiencing relationship abuse is not something I can do. You are going to be the best judge of that. What I can tell you is that almost 11 percent of MSU students report being in an emotionally abusive relationship, while another 2 percent report being in either a physically or sexually abusive relationship. This has been consistent since we started asking six years ago. A few years back we decided to also ask about behaviors we thought were indicative of abusive relationships. When we did this, we found that approximately 22 percent of MSU students reported that in their relationship they were called names, 6 percent were verbally threatened, 15 percent manipulated or intimidated, 5 percent slapped, 4 percent punched, 8 percent shoved, 1 percent both choked and threatened with weapons, 2 percent forced to participate in unwanted sexual activity, 3 percent forced to participate in unprotected sexual activity and 1 percent forced to participate in humiliating sexual activity.

The combined total of all of these yielded a much higher percentage of students who were either unknowing or unwilling to see that their relationships may be abusive. Other indicators of abuse can be extreme jealousy, over controlling, constant questioning and put downs. It doesn't have to be physical abuse.

What you need to know is sometimes what makes the difference between an abusive or not healthy relationship is whether you feel unafraid to respond to offensive behavior. Some couples joke around by embarrassing each other. Sometimes a joke is made that is not received as a joke by the other. It is more serious when one partner intentionally embarrasses or belittles the other, or if they talk about how the joking is offensive but it continues. This can lead to an individual never feeling "good enough."

You asked, "How can I get him to stop treating me that way?" My response is you can only control what it is you do and say. Only he can stop, and only you can make the decision to act on his response. There are people here who can help you sort this out and support you in your decision. Whether or not you end a relationship is always up to you.

If you feel your relationship is abusive, or for any reason dangerous, consider seeking help. You can contact these centers: MSU Counseling Center (517) 355-8270; MSU Safe Place (517) 355-1100; Listening Ear (517) 337-1717; and Olin Health Center (517) 353-4660. For faculty, staff and graduate student employees, call the Employee Assistance Program at (517) 355-4506. The first step to a healthy relationship is clarity and recognition of what you want in a relationship and from a partner. Thanks for stepping up.

Peace. Dr. D.

Dennis Martell, Ph.D., is a coordinator of Olin Health Education.