Lisa Filemyr and David Waters' relationship didn't even begin until they were apart.
Sure, they had been classmates since middle school and had attended a dance together at the Concord Academy of Petoskey.
"As I recall, we only danced once that night," said Filemyr, a psychology and criminal justice senior.
Even after they discovered their grandparents had been best friends, sparks didn't fly. But then, in 11th grade, Filemyr went to study in Europe.
"I had given him my e-mail address before I left, and he just started e-mailing me," she said. "It was real nice because not a lot of people were writing me, and I started to understand him a little better — I thought it was really sweet."
Their romantic relationship began a few months after Filemyr returned — and just months before Waters started college in Ann Arbor. It was then, with Filemyr as a senior in high school, the couple made a decision to take on the daunting challenge of a long-distance relationship.
Overcoming obstacles
Though distance can be a hindrance in any relationship, some experts say college students who want to keep their high school love alive have an especially large mountain of obstacles to overcome, from trust issues to communication breakdowns.
Talk to Filemyr and Waters long enough though, and you will start to feel like any typical relationship problem is manageable. They've been together for more than four years, most of that time with him in Ann Arbor and her in East Lansing.
"I think we've been successful because we have really strong feelings for one another, and no matter how hard it is to deal with a long-distance relationship, the reward of having someone love you far outweighs the challenge," she said. "You can still grow with each other without having to see each other every five minutes."
Yes, they've fought occasionally — take, for instance, when Waters doesn't call often enough — but they've even turned that problem into a lesson on how to improve their relationship.
"Because communication is so important, it kind of forced us to get good at it — so when the distance is no longer there, there is still that element that we got good at it for over four years," he said.
But not everyone can find the silver lining in their long-distance relationship.
Trust and temptation
John Lee, assistant director of the MSU Counseling Center, 207 Student Services, said relationship trouble is one of the most common issues that people come to the center to discuss. Lack of communication and dwindling interest are common topics.
"It's either one person saying 'This isn't really alive anymore for me,' and usually the issue is something else has become alive, or 'Hey, this is going fine but I'm getting mixed messages,'" he said.
Computer science freshman Jonathan Howell and his ex-girlfriend Lyndsi Burke were approaching their six-month anniversary when she ended the relationship earlier this semester. They started dating at Keller High School in Keller, Texas, last spring. Howell said he could tell the relationship was falling apart when their phone conversations grew shorter and less in-depth. Then she told him she was starting to have feelings for someone else.
"I would try to be there for her if she was having a rough day, but she came to the conclusion that she needed someone to physically be there," he said.
The failed attempt at cross-country love upset Howell to the point that he decided he wouldn't attempt a long-distance relationship again.
"Just the amount of stress that it put on me — we were so far away and I would always be wondering what she was thinking about, trying to think who the guy was, and why she would do this stuff," he said. "It tore me up every day. I barely had a good day any day of the week."
Distance can make a relationship grow or crumble, depending on both individuals' personality, age and the history of their relationship. These factors will come into play, for instance, when a person sees the number of opportunities for new relationships skyrocket, Lee said.
"It's not like you're living in rural Nebraska where the choices you have are a few girls at church," he said. "The other possible relationship opportunities are just rampant."
In addition to resisting those romantic opportunities, Lee said the nature of a couple's relationship can also threaten its chances for survival.
Studio art freshman Ashley Adams broke up with her boyfriend Michael Cousineau, a senior at Rochester Adams High School in Rochester Hills, last month because he was constantly suspicious of what she was doing.
"I would be doing homework for hours, and he would keeping calling and say, 'There's no way you can still be doing homework,'" she said. "He really didn't understand what college is like. He was always jealous, so I knew when he wouldn't see me every day he was going to go spastic."
Engineering freshman Lia Tennant ended her two-year relationship with Toni Schepke, who attended Ferris State University when they started dating, because of problems that arose with Tennant starting college. Tennant had forgiven Schepke for cheating on her during her freshman year of college, she said, but her ex-girlfriend started expecting the same behavior from Tennant once she moved to MSU.
"I got here and she started calling more and getting angry at pretty much everything," Tennant said. "She couldn't get it out of her head that I was going to cheat."
Lee said there is no clear way to figure out how distance will affect a relationship.
"The theories behind this are 'out of sight, out of mind,' and 'absence makes the heart grow fonder,' and both are true," Lee said, adding that individuals in a relationship, in part, determine which one is true for them.
Set guidelines
Kelly Morrison, associate professor of communication, said it's important for people in long-distance relationships to talk in practical terms how they are going to keep their relationship together.
"A lot of people don't establish rules before they go long-distance and just think, 'Well, if it's meant to work, it will work,' and that's a really bad idea," she said.
Establishing rules means agreeing on what's allowed and what isn't, Morrison said. An easy way to do this is to discuss hypothetical scenarios that might arise — involving everything from monogamy to how many times you are going to talk a day.
If expectations aren't discussed, then arguments are more likely to occur when a troublesome situation arises, Morrison said.
"It shouldn't be an inflexible rule structure — it's going to have to be tweaked — but you need some sense of what is allowable and what is not," Morrison said.
Lee said no matter what the terms and expectations of a couple are, they have to dedicate themselves to making the relationship work.
"It's no longer that you see each other every day, that you're just down the road — you have to be very intentional about the relationship to keep it going," he said.
Advertising sophomore Michael Schomisch's relationship with University of Kansas student Sarra-Valentina Klimberg, grew stronger once she moved from Kalamazoo and started college.
Schomisch proposed to Klimberg in May and will transfer to the University of Kansas next fall. He said adjusting to the distance was very difficult, but they survived because of their commitment, honesty and communication.
"There was never a point where I was like, 'Man, I can't do this,' but there were points when it was like 'Man, this sucks big time,'" he said. "But we just kept reassuring each other that we'd see each other."
Their conversations became more meaningful once they didn't see each other every day, Schomisch said. They talk at least every other night and quickly during the day.
"I just want to keep the communication there, so I'm not making her think, 'I wonder what he's doing right now,'" Schomisch said.
Morrison said couples should also keep in mind their separate experiences will change their personalities. This occurs not only in couples who are living apart for prolonged periods, but in people who are gone for a month or two studying abroad.
"The partner that goes somewhere new is going to change, and if they study abroad, it's going to be in pretty demonstrable ways," she said. "The person who stays behind is expecting the same person."
Adjusting to change
History junior Chelsea Forster said change was what worried her about her long-distance relationship with Jeff Northman, a junior at Grand Valley State University who she began dating their senior year at Mt. Clemens High School.
"I never really questioned what he was doing, I questioned what he thought of me, because I'm not the same person I was in high school, and it was about seeing if he was still attracted to the person I am now," Forster said.
Forster credits their relationship — three years and counting — in part because they were resolved about staying together when it became apparent they would be living separate college lives.
"We went in knowing that it was going to be a struggle, and so we knew the best way to keep the relationship alive is to talk on the phone, and AIM," Forster said, adding that she and Northman talk two or three times a day. "It seems a little overkill how much Jeff and I call each other, but that's what our relationship is — phone calls instead of being together all the time."
The other factor they owe their success to is the strong foundation of their relationship, Forster said.
"Jeff and I were friends before we started going out, and when we were in high school we were very in love," she said. "Over the years, I think our relationship has gotten stronger, for one, because we've gotten older and we matured into it."
But even with such a strong foundation, sometimes phone calls don't suffice.
"It's when you have arguments that you feel the most distant," she said.
Ultimately, though, they've grown as a couple as well as individuals.
"Our relationship has been tested, and we've learned that we are individuals," she said. "It's one of the biggest strengths we've gained from having a long-distance relationship."
