The signs began coming to me yesterday.
I had a dream detailing an unnerving encounter with an ex-girlfriend.
I walked out of my apartment to find my bike had been stolen.
I had really bad blisters on my feet.
It was June 5, 2006. The way things were going, it would only be par for the course if the planet Earth exploded within 24 hours.
That is what 6/6/06 is supposed to mean, right?
Well, it depends on your sources. If your source is Mac's Bar, 2700 E. Michigan Ave. in Lansing, then you better be at "The End of the World Show" with Man Man, Skeletons, Girl Faced Boys and Casionauts, because it's hard to enjoy underground rock when you're actually underground.
If your source is a little more reputable — though equally disputable — like say, the King James Bible, then you'll realize the true meaning of the date and that feared number which it evokes — 666.
From Revelation 13:16-18:
"Here is wisdom. Let him that hath understanding count the number of the beast: for it is the number of a man; and his number is Six hundred threescore and six."
That makes sense, seeing as there's barely a single entertainment offering today that hasn't been given some kind of hellish twist. 666 has been a marketing ploy all along, set forth by that shrewd ad exec the Antichrist, who, as foretold by Hollywood, is a creepy little kid named Damien.
The mark(eting) of the beast was used to sell "The Omen" in its original incarnation, with sneak previews held on 6/6/1976. But I have a feeling that ad campaign wasn't as noxious as the one for "The Omen," version 2.0.
"The Signs Are All Around You." No crap. They're on every street corner, every Web site and even being trailed by planes. 20th Century Fox is doing a pretty good job making sure everyone heeds "The Omen."
"The Omen" feels like a movie driven by a date, as if the higher-ups at Fox were looking at their 2006 calendars, realized the chance June 6 gave them at winning Lucifer's lottery and immediately greenlit a new "Omen."
Rock 'n' roll has long walked hand-in-hand with Beelzebub, and nobody does so quite like death metalers Slayer. It's only right that the band releases an EP ("Eternal Pyre") and new single ("Cult") on this most sinister date. Appropriately, Hot Topic — the most evil retailer ever sandwiched between Banana Republic and Cinnabon — is the only place you can find "Eternal Pyre."
Slayer is trying to kick things up one more devilish notch by unleashing "Cult" on iTunes at 6:06 a.m., but this timing is really only a superficial tribute. If the band wanted a truly wicked time, they would have waited until 7:06 a.m., which, technically, would be the sixth hour and sixty-sixth minute of the day.
And that, kids, is the proof that death metal will rot your brains.
Unfortunately, ironic marketing can fall under the sway of The Evil One too. Thus, when you head out to get "Eternal Pyre," you can stop by your favorite independent record store and pick up "Every Eleven Seconds" by lo-fi folkees Amps For Christ.
Conservative mouthpiece/clothes horse Ann Coulter has decided to release her new book, "Godless: The Church of Liberalism," today as well. The jokes from either side of the political spectrum pretty much make themselves.
Assuming the world makes it through the day, there won't be another 6/6/06 for 100 years. And God (or Satan) only knows what kind of marketing Hell that will be.
Erik Adams is pretty sure the Apocalypse won't feature a seven-headed, ten-horned, ten-crowned beast rising from the sea. But he's not taking any chances. Contact him at adamser9@msu.edu.
