ASMSU, MSU's undergraduate student government, enacted an un-ironically titled Candy Initiative on Wednesday to provide its business offices with sweets for workers and students. After months of research and drafted legislation - seriously - ASMSU passed a budget allocation of $150 to spend on candy.
We swear we did not make that up. It bears repeating: ASMSU researched, drafted and debated the merits of candy in the workplace. When months of exhaustive research and soul-searching revealed candy to be a good thing, it was determined that $150 was a sufficient amount to spend.
To those who poo-poo the organization for its all-talk, no-walk track record or its befuddling bureaucracy, shut up. You no longer have an argument. ASMSU reps said they wanted candy. They fought for it. And this week, they got it. Don't say they can't get anything done, because now we know they can. Especially when candy is involved.
Eat it, naysayers of ASMSU efficiency. Bite it, critics of the student government red-tape machine. Bite it hard and bite it good. Then bite it again. Then suck on it like a Jolly Rancher while you beg for ASMSU's forgiveness.
Who's the big winner? ASMSU members are the big winners. They're all grownups now, and they've got the Ring Pops, Butterfingers, Skittles and Swedish Fish to prove it. Need a student loan? Grab a Hershey's Kiss for the road. Need a lawyer to defend your MIP? Sweeten the deal with some Krackel bars. The long reign of no-candy terror is finally over, everyone. Rejoice! Bask in the warming light that now emanates from a candy-filled ASMSU business office.
We mustn't stop here, students of MSU. We must go forward with the Candy Initiative until all branches of student government are capable of giving you cavities. Solid chocolate clipboards! Peppermint paper-shredders! Marshmallow boardroom chairs and fudge podiums!
We're having fun with this for the sole reason that there is no worldly reason not to. Sure, it might seem unfair to take a few shots, but it's all in fun. If ASMSU didn't have a sense of humor over it, ASMSU Comptroller Mike Trudeau wouldn't have called it his "pièce de résistance."
A sense of humor and a few spoonfuls of humility are important to remember when assessing the Candy Initiative. We've actually done some serious, line-item reviewing, and we have the following suggestion to ASMSU on how to use the Candy Initiative to raise voter turnout for student representative elections. All joking aside, we're wearing our serious hat now.
ASMSU should distribute a pamphlet inside on-campus mailboxes of all candidates, giving a brief outline of the college they'll represent and their platform. Attach to it a small piece of candy to motivate students to vote. Then, inside the pamphlet, insert five golden tickets to be randomly distributed. If a student receives said golden ticket, he or she is entitled to take a magical tour of the business office. The only catch? Prove your morality, or an Oompa Loompa will escort you from the premises and you won't win a fortune of chocolate.
If you think we're taking this too lightly, we invite you to write our new opinion editor: William Wonka, 123 Gumdrop Lane, East Lansing, Mich., 48824.
