Congressional leaders couldn't have acted sooner and more appropriately Tuesday when they decided to begin getting the French out of America by replacing french fries with "freedom fries" and French toast with "freedom toast."

All U.S. citizens should feel honored to have elected a fine brigade of congressmen who are so brave and willing to throw aside integrity by turning respectable diplomacy into a schoolyard squabble because Jacques won't be Georgie's friend.

Sacre bleu! How dare they?

Despite the fact that french fries, called pommes frites (fried potatoes) in France, originated in Belgium and were given the title french fries by the United States, there should be nothing left of France in America when the wrath of Congress is through.

For starters, champagne and Burgundy should be made as illegal as Cuban cigars. We are more than content with wine in a box and sparkling grape juice.

Now there won't even be champagne in the champagne room.

Efforts should begin immediately to begin dumping all of America's mayonnaise and mustard into Boston Harbor as if it were British tea.

And no longer shall we dress our salad with French dressing - ranch works just fine.

The colors of our national banner should also be altered so as not to clash with the rouge, blanc et bleu of the French flag.

We shall demand a refund for the Louisiana Purchase - New Orleans isn't really all that fun.

From this day forward, no red-blooded American shall kiss his or her significant other using his or her tongue under penalty of deportation.

The country's French teachers should cease all efforts to enlighten American youth or face trial for treason.

Perfume, or eau de toilet as you French call it, will also be banned from U.S. soil. American girls will stink and be proud of it.

Pepé Le Pew will be Pepé Le Few as Warner Brothers is ordered to edit the stinky French lover out of its Looney Tunes cast.

Proud American auto owners also will trade in their Cadillacs for cars with more patriotic names.

Detroit will from hence forth be called Fort of Freedom. And you French can have Canada back too.

Lastly, the United States should begin the dismantling of the Statue of Liberty immediately and begin shipping her home in McDonald's Happy Meal cartons.

We don't want to talk to you French no more. We fart in your general direction, a la Monty Python.

You don't frighten us, you French pig-dogs. We blow our nose at you, you sons of a silly person.

Now we are going to take our ball and go home.

Zut alors!

Could we get more childish?

Vive la France!