Let me introduce you to my friend Jim. Jim is the guy in all my stories at the bar, where he’s known as “my buddy Jimbo.” Well, the other day Jim said something that made me think. He said I’ve been pretty nice with my reviews these days.
I looked at the past few weeks of my work and discovered that I am indeed a huge wuss. I don’t know why, but I’ve been way too forgiving. And with just a little bit of time left working at this job (all good things must come to an end), it’s time to pull up my bloomers and get to work.
So I marched right off to a theater and saw “Clockstoppers.” I figured it would be the perfect cure to my “liking movies” blues. And boy, was I right.
“Clockstoppers” is a greasy turd of a kid movie that isn’t worth suffering through. In fact, the title is just a big lie - no one stops a clock at all, they just move really fast, or in “hypertime,” if you want to use the moronic language of the movie. So why call it “Clockstoppers?” Call it “Hypertime,” or “Movin‘ Fast,” or “Lousy Rotten Piece of Crap Movie.”
Hey, truth in advertising.
Although, on a positive note, the lead actress in the movie, Paula Garcés, is hot. Very hot. Scorchingly gorgeous. And she also happens to be in “Maxim” this month, which allows her to show her depth as an actress, among other things. Yeah, I’m a pig.
But unlike the magazine, which is always worth the cover price, “Clockstoppers” has nothing to offer but to steal a precious hour and a half of your life away.
The biggest star in the movie is French Stewart, whose career highlight so far is being the spokesman for that Clamato drink, a mix of clams and tomatoes that tastes like a dog’s ass dipped in sewage.
The plot involves a kid named Zak Gibbs (Jesse Bradford). Zak’s dad is a scientist who gets involved with an experiment to make “hypertime,” and Zak ends up with the device.
He plays some pranks, then some evil people want it.
That’s pretty much the whole kit and kaboodle, minus the part with his hottie girlfriend.
Before long he has to save his dad and himself, all with the aid of his little magic sportswatch. And his pet flying goblin, greasy Mr. Jimbo. Well, there really isn’t a goblin - but oh, if there was. Or even just a bunch of monkeys.
Something, anything, to liven up the dead weight that is “Clockstoppers.”
Ahh yes, I feel the hatred and spite building again.
Soon I will be the Drew everyone knows and loves and sends moronic e-mails to, telling me why I was wrong to say bad things about “Kung Pow: Enter the Fist.”
Oh yes, I get them - but not lately. Let the hate mail once again pour into my inbox, full of people who despise me and my words, and let me answer them in the way that only I can.
Yeah, I’m back. And the movie sucks.
