Hollywood is really running out of ideas. With a lack of good scripts floating around, the powers that be have decided to remake every single movie possible. “Planet of the Apes” hasn’t been properly desecrated by its numerous bad sequels, and suddenly we’ve got a big-budget “reimagining.”
The original “Shaft” must not have been cool enough, or something, and before you know it Samuel L. Jackson dons the black leather trench coat.
People not able to forget how corny the first “Gone in 60 Seconds” was? Well, surprise, they did it again.The newest addition to this “Well, we’ve got nothing else to do” genre is “Rollerball.”
Replace James Caan and his bell-bottoms with Chris Klein in leather, and suddenly it’s a new vehicle with more money to play with. And, as is to be expected, it’s much much worse than the first time around.
Supposedly, the film takes place in the near-future, when life is cheap and the most exciting game in the world is a bunch of tough-guy posers throwing a steel ball around.
They’re forced to play it in ex-communist countries, where people are more receptive to horrible, violent sports. Yeah, and nobody in America watches professional wrestling.
We join Jonathan (Klein) as he signs up for his first season, thanks to the prodding of his buddy Marcus (LL Cool J). Amazingly enough, he immediately becomes a star in the league, even earning the sexual favors of hottie teammate Aurora (Rebecca Romijn-Stamos).
Soon enough, Jonathan learns of a plot to injure and even kill players in the name of television ratings.
He decides to bring down the media moguls and fight for what’s right.
He still does drive the fancy car they gave him, but that’s beside the point. This is about respect, and nothing says respect like a car worth more than most people’s homes, right?
The movie does actually start out strongly enough, with a great action scene complete with some wonderful camera work. It’s almost enough to convince someone that the movie won’t fall off the tracks.
But as soon as the game begins, “Rollerball” lands right into confusion.
The game itself is nearly impossible to follow, and if you’re even chewing on some popcorn you’ll miss the brief explanation of the rules.
The plot also jumps around like crazy. After the release has been delayed for more than a year, the obvious heavy hand of studio execs to clean up the story line for mass consumption looms at all times.
The movie also has been altered from the intended R rating to the current PG-13, another movie ploy to cut losses at the box office.
Characters are introduced and then discarded, and subplots that begin at one point go nowhere. Conversations that should be important are soon nothing more than a chance for the actors to glare at one another.
My personal worst moment is a nighttime chase in which the camera goes into night vision. With everything suddenly saturated in green after a quick, awkward transition, it seems more like a cheap shot at being artsy and different in a movie that is anything but.
Watching MTV the other week, I saw Romijn-Stamos already doing the commentary track for the DVD of “Rollerball.”
You know what that means. Everyone involved knows where this one is going - straight to video.
A quick stint on the big screen is probably the best that could be hoped for, coming from an ill-fated version of a cult classic.
It fails, but not for lack of effort - walking out of the theater with the loud explosions and music ringing in my ears, the headache helped to take my mind off what I’d seen.
