I’m out cold - and not just from beer and whiskey, which I already consumed in healthy amounts previous to this week. Oh no, I’m up to paint thinner in the hopes of killing all the brain cells that help me to recognize just how bad these movies are. I’m sniffing Wite-Out like crazy, and later today I’ll be seeing how long it takes gasoline fumes to knock me out. Good times.
It can’t be that bad, you’re thinking. You get to see movies for free, Drew, so quit your bitching. Well, let me tell you how this goes. First, I had to sit through “Black Knight.” Blech. And now, to add insult to injury, I’ve been forced to watch “Out Cold,” a snowboarding comedy that quite simply didn’t need to be made.
I really do love my job. After pumping gas and running a cash register, being a film critic is like a walk in the park, not to mention the fact that I get to rant daily with the knowledge that people read it, rather than that useless ranting in the park or next to Wells Hall routine I used to do where everyone ignored me.
But I’m astounded that anyone would take the opportunity to make a movie and squander it on such useless trash. Yes, “Out Cold” is only trying to cash in on the snowboarding trend, but I’m sure anyone who actually participates in the sport seriously would laugh their heads off at the stupidity of this flick. It won’t make any money, and it is remarkably idiotic to begin with. Let me elaborate.
It’s horrible. It’s astoundingly dull. It’s boring. It’s stereotypical. It’s trash.
Sure, there are a few laughs. Have you seen the trailer? Then save your bucks, cause you’ve seen it all. There isn’t anything in the other 88 and a half minutes of the movie that is worth your time. And you can take that one to the bank.
If you actually care about the story, it revolves around a group of friends in a remote Alaskan town who love extreme sports. Their town is pretty self-contained and eccentric, which is proven by the fact that they all drink like fish (and like me now, thanks a lot) and ski with their pants down. How hilarious.
Well, some rich developer tries to buy the mountain and turn it into a resort, complete with fancy coffee and yuppies in tight pants. The kids don’t like this and decide to wreck the guy’s plans so that they aren’t forced to live in a tourist trap.
Blah blah blah, they succeed and get their town back, in what is sure to be known as the big movie twist of the year. Everything works out and they get to continue drinking all day and playing on the mountain.
Sorry if that ruins the ending, but if anyone actually thinks this movie is anything but predictable then you’re already in trouble. The audience I saw it with immediately started groaning and bemoaning their choice of movie as soon as the credits rolled.
If it wasn’t for being a critic, I wouldn’t have gone at all. The movie obviously stinks. If you are a snowboarder, don’t bother. You’ll be even more insulted than me by it, I’m sure. If you’re just someone looking for a movie to watch, you also don’t need to worry about it. Besides, it’ll be gone in a week or two without harm to make room for something else.
If, on the other hand, you are exhausted and away from home and happen to have $7 or so in your pocket and need a place to take a quick nap, here’s your ticket. It won’t be crowded at all, and if you pick the right theater, the seats recline. Just make sure to get there early so you can fall asleep and not actually see the movie.
