I want to begin this column by apologizing to everyone who’s about to read it. Normally, I spend a decent amount of time organizing and composing a column that I think will entertain, inform or persuade all of you. At the very least I try to promulgate a topic for campus debate.
Today, though, I’m not even going to make a pretense of highbrow, and today I couldn’t care less about how many people laugh at this. This column is being written for one purpose only: to make my life easier.
“Heavens,” you must be thinking. “What on Earth has brought this on? What could drive our beloved Rishi to abandon the compassion and thoughtfulness for which he has come to be known?”
The answer is simple: two jackasses at a coffee shop and the conversation they were having. I was sitting and studying, being quiet and pretty, when I overheard the following:
Alpha Jackass: “So, have you seen this new show, ‘Scrubs’? It’s absolutely frickin’ hilarious. I mean, really.”
Beta Jackass: “Oh? No, actually, you know, I don’t like television very much, so I don’t watch it.”
Alpha Jackass: “Oh, I don’t either, don’t get me wrong, but I was walking past a set and I happened to catch a few minutes. Anyway, how about that Deepak Chopra, huh? Absolutely frickin’ brilliant.”
I swear on all that is holy that I have not changed a single word of that conversation, with the exception of the addition of the Deepak Chopra comment.
So that’s the thesis of today’s column: Ways That You, the World, Can Be Less Annoying to Me, Rishi.
Let’s start with the jackass convention above. For some reason, people believe being vocal about their dislike of TV is a mark of intelligence. In reality, it’s equivalent to proclaiming, “I don’t like sound very much, so I plug my ears.”
Granted, total dependence on TV is an easy way to lose brain and muscle tone, but there’s a lot of stuff in that box. C-SPAN! “A Wedding Story”! PBS! “Sabrina, the Teenage Witch”!
The entire purpose of television is to let you see things you’d never otherwise experience, so if you’re proud of the fact that you don’t watch TV, you’re not smart. You’re just annoying me.
Another thing I find incredibly annoying -
