The original was written by Alexandre Dumas. But this one is pure dumbass.

The ad promotion for the new stinker “The Musketeer” goes like this - “Like you’ve never seen it before.” Well, they got that right. Never before has the story of those French freedom-fighters been so completely idiotic, so uninspired and so completely drenched in a desire to pack almost two hours of film with cool-looking garbage.

And garbage it is. It is, in fact, the type of garbage designed for stoners. Sure, it looks cool - but the rest of the package is awful.

The editing on this thing is pure crap. Whoever sat down to edit all of these so-called scenes together must not have had only a liquid breakfast, but brunch, a full case of beer for lunch and then smoked crack. They then proceeded to put the movie together in such a lousy sequence, foregoing all remnants of story and explanation, that most audiences will probably be unable to figure out what the hell is going on.

Take, for instance, in mid-movie, when some of the characters realize they are hungry and have no money. Main moron D’Artagnan (played by a soon to be McEmployed elsewhere Justin Chambers) takes his beloved horse to sell so they can get food. We see him take the horse. We see him walk back with food.

And then, because the moviemakers think we’re morons, we see him with his freaking horse. Make sense? Of course not! But don’t worry - there’s another cool fight scene coming up soon, the whole reason they made this giant waste of money.

Of course, the camerawork in “The Poopkateers” is all geared so that we don’t see that all the cute actors aren’t doing their own stuntwork.

You know, they made the actors in “The Matrix” train for months so they could do their stunts. Jackie Chan and Jet Li their own stunts. But in this flick, they all wear big, floppy goofy hats to cover up the stuntmen’s faces while they jump around, attempting to distract us.

The plot jumps around incessantly. One more unexplained shift, and I thought I was going to have a seizure, screaming and throwing popcorn everywhere. But then I would have missed the horrible, cheesy ending.

I’m sure almost everyone has seen that part in the preview for this movie where they fight on the side of a tower. But let me sum up the whole thing, just to let you know how dumb it really is. First, D’Artagnan fires up a rope to climb to the top. As he climbs, bad guys throw down ropes from the top and start climbing down to fight him. While they fight, D’Artagnan climbs above them and cuts the ropes, leaving the bad guys to fall to their death. So, how dumb do we expect bad guys to be? Why didn’t they just jump the hell off the tower in the first place if they wanted to die?

I know D’Artagnan has to get to the top for the climactic fight with bad guy Febre (played by Tim Roth).

Perhaps the biggest problem is the whole thing focuses on D’Artagnan. Maybe it would have been better if they had found someone who knew how to act, but this guy just stinks. Then they take the rest of the cast and turn them into fumbling idiots and drunks who just happen to sober up when the time is right. All for one and one for all, but dammit, I want my six bucks back.

Even Mena Suvari, playing love interest Francesca, is wasted, and they even get her naked in a bathtub.

All in all, by the time they make it to the final fight, I just didn’t care.