“He just undid my pants and pulled them down,” Monica said. “I told him to stop, and I said, ‘I really don’t want to,’ but he just kept saying, ‘You like it. You know you want to.’”

April is Sexual Assault Awareness month and Monica, whose name was changed to protect her identity, is one of thousands of college students who are sexually assaulted each year. On average, one in four college women and one in 10 college men will experience sexual assault in their lifetime, according to numbers from the U.S. Department of Justice.

And although last year only 11 assaults were reported to MSU Police, MSU Sexual Assault Program Coordinator Shari Murgittroyd said the program serves more than 400 people each year, and numbers have been climbing.

Frozen
Like many victims of sexual assault, Monica said during the situation, she froze up and didn’t know what to do, a reaction MSU psychologist Rebecca Campbell said is common.

“(Victims) often experience confusion, particularly if it’s somebody they know and somebody they implicitly trust,” she said. “Their brains are trying to make sense of it … they want to know, ‘Why is somebody I know and trust hurting me this way?’”

Murgittroyd uses the term “freezing” to describe this situation because often the victim feels paralyzed and is not able to scream or articulate the word “no.”

Campbell said in instances of rape or attempted rape, it is often difficult for victims to communicate clearly because of the way the body processes fear.

“As outsiders, we look at victims’ behaviors and go, ‘Well, I don’t understand why she didn’t do that. Any rational person would have done this, that or the other,’” she said. “But that’s the problem — when you’re really, really afraid, the neurobiological mechanisms for rational thought do not function optimally.”

In Monica’s case, she said she was scared but had trouble aggressively saying “no” because she didn’t want to upset her attacker.

“It’s always hard to reject people, no matter what,” Monica said. “And you don’t want to do it in a mean way, but you have every right to do it in a mean way if someone is taking advantage of you.”

Eventually, Monica was forceful enough to push off her attacker and make her way to the door, escaping physically unharmed. However, the emotional trauma of the attack has stuck with her.

“I’m mad, and I feel disappointed in myself that I didn’t notice sooner,” Monica said. “Even though I didn’t do anything, I felt nasty after. I still feel nasty.”

How to deal
Like Monica — who knew her aggressor — Julie, an MSU junior was raped when she was eight years old by an assailant she was familiar with.

“It is very clear that the overwhelming majority (of sexual assaults) are committed between two people who know each other,” Campbell said. “It is not most typically the stranger in the bushes with the knife.”

Julie, whose name was changed to protect her identity, said that after the incident, she went to counseling regularly for about a year, and she said she still talks about it every time she sees her therapist, a step Murgittroyd said is very important in the healing process.

“I feel like I’m going to work through this until I’m old,” Julie said.

Murgittroyd said healing from sexual assault can be a lifelong process for many survivors. But she said she sees very successful students at MSU who go on to have healthy relationships and successful careers.

Although at 20 years old Julie has spent years of her life trying to forget the attack, she said she is slowly coming to terms with what happened to her.

She said if she could give advice to victims who are in the same situation, she would tell them it isn’t their fault.

“No one deserves to feel that … the guilt that was attached to it,” Julie said. “Even today I am always afraid to tell people because I think it’s going change their mind about me, and I’m afraid they will see me in a different light. But the biggest thing is that it isn’t your fault.”

The fall
Family community services sophomore Ronida Powell was sexually abused during the course of five years by two family members. The assaults began when she was just seven years old.

Powell said during that time, she was forced into having oral and anal sex with two of her cousins.

Campbell said when children experience sexual assault, it can be extremely psychologically harmful because children don’t have the cognitive capacity yet to understand what’s happening to them.

Julie, for instance, went years without saying anything because she thought what was happening to her was something that happened to everyone.

Powell, too, did not recognize that anything was wrong.

“I didn’t say anything because I thought, ‘This is love, this is how people who love each other show how they feel,’” Powell said. “I made myself believe it was love.”

Campbell said because the brain structures still are developing, that kind of traumatic experience can have long-term consequences for the way the brain processes memories and trauma.

“It’s incredibly psychologically damaging as a child,” Campbell said. “Research suggests that there are probably very few things that would be more damaging to the development of healthy psychological well-being.”

Finding the light
After years of abuse, Powell gradually sank into such a deep depression that she attempted suicide.

“I remember, once it started when I was seven or eight, looking at myself in mirror and saying, ‘I hate myself. You’re not beautiful,’” Powell said. “It was like me trying to hurt myself because they were.”

Although there were other factors that contributed to her suicidal thoughts aside from the sexual abuse, Powell said she recognizes that internalizing her feelings about the abuse played a major role in her depression.

“After so long, I just sort of shut it out and dealt with it,” Powell said. “I internalized a lot of hatred … and that had a big effect on my depression. Later, I created a barrier so that people who loved me could never hurt me.”

Now, as a volunteer for the MSU Sexual Assault Program, Powell feels she has found a purpose for the events that happened to her.

Murgittroyd said she has seen many different responses from survivors of sexual assault, some who said they’ve overcome the event.

Powell said her experiences have helped her in choosing a career path because she knows now she wants to help people in similar situations.

“I’m different than most people,” she said. “I’m happy that it happened … it sheds so much light on what I want to do and what my purpose is in life.

“It took me through a rough patch in my life, but going through so much helped me get where I am, and I won’t ever turn back or be ashamed of my past.”