I’m mad for Jennifer Love Hewitt.
I’m completely infatuated with her cute, over-bitten grin, exhaustive perkiness and various other assets. If there was ever someone who watched “Time of Your Life,” it was me.
I follow her every move. I was indifferent toward her when she broke up with Carson Daly; unfulfilled when she dated that LFO guy; downright confused over Alec Baldwin.
And when my computer crashed the other day, I was heartbroken.
I sat for hours with a blank stare, incessantly clicking my mouse and hoping for that familiar voice to tell me I have mail.
My high score on Snood? Gone. All those Excel charts, graphs and spreadsheets that my friends drool over? Gone. What’s worse, I lost any connection I once had to that wonderful contraption, the Internet.
How am I supposed to get those New Age interpretations for those all-too-deep Dave Matthews Band songs? And where else can I go for doctored photos of my favorite ex-Mouseketeer?
The Internet is a lifeline to the really important things in society, and I’m having trouble functioning without it.
I’ve heard somewhere that the Internet contains a wealth of information: Government documents, newsgroups and easy access to important research are all available for someone who knows how to type. Your average search engine can only retrieve about one-fourth of all existing Web sites.
But none of that is nearly entertaining enough. The reason the Web has grown into the powerhouse of an intellectual forum it is today is because it helps us keep track of people who make more money than we do.
No longer are the enlightened required to wait in supermarket checkout lines to find out what’s happening with their favorite celebrities. After all, P. Diddy - Puff Daddy’s trusty sidekick - could get a parking ticket and we’d have to wait days to find out.
With fan pages, chat groups and similar wastes of time, those in the know can not only stay that way, but analyze each and every going-on.
It’s much more hands-on than “Entertainment Tonight,” “Inside Edition” or “That’s My Bush!” And it eliminates the self-loathing felt after buying People magazine.
We’re allowed - even encouraged - to discuss and form opinions about people who, for all intents and purposes, should be considered private citizens. The average Web browser is America’s version of paparazzi - it helps us hound our favorite personality until there’s nothing more to tell.
And for days now, I’ve been out of the loop. Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman could have new divorce complications and I’d never know.
Think you don’t care? Most of us would have an easier time spouting off the names and ages of Madonna’s children than reciting the 50 states’ capitals.
Still think you don’t care? Just look how boring your life is compared to a celebrity’s.
Somewhere out there, Tommy Lee is getting into brawls, making a pornography video and generally being hard-core.
Your favorite “Friends” star is getting married, getting divorced or spending time in rehab. And would you have seen “Proof of Life” if not for Meg Ryan and Russell Crowe’s steamy romance? Would you have seen it anyway?
Take me, on the other hand. I woke up yesterday morning excited as all outdoors for the leftover Chinese waiting for my breakfast. My day later culminated with a rousing game of looking up people named Joe Mama to prank call.
It’s a fact of life. People with more money and fame lead more important lives than we do. They’re making formulaic movies and hit single retreads, while the rest of us are playing on the Internet.
Vince Estes, State News film reporter, needs a Windows 95 startup disk, a new computer or a life. Help the cause at estesvin@msu.edu.
