Thursday, December 9, 2021

Prognosticators: the Up in Smoker Tour begins in Columbus

Another impressive slate of games scheduled for Saturday have the guru boys hyped for another exciting weekend of college football.

Records so far: Arthole: (27-11), Special K: (21-17)

MSU (4-4) at No. 16 Ohio State (6-2)

Freshman quarterback Jeff Smoker leads the Spartans into the Horseshoe as MSU tries to beat Ohio State for the third straight year. The Spartans are coming off their first Big Ten win of the season, a 14-10 victory over Illinois. The Buckeyes suffered a tough defeat last week at the hands of Drew Brees and Purdue, 31-27.

Special K: For three quarters, the game is an old-fashioned defensive battle. With the game tied 7-7, Jeff Smoker goes down with an ankle injury that sidelines him for the rest of the afternoon. In an odd twist of fate, Ryan Van Dyke comes on and leads the team to victory with a last-minute touchdown bomb to Herb Haygood. Ohio State officially declares they hate MSU more than Michigan.

MSU 14, Ohio State 7

Arthole: Jeff Smoker is a master of mind games. Realizing the Ohio State defense plans to pressure him all day, Smoker asks every Buckeye before the game how they feel about U-M. Naturally, the Buckeyes said they’re better than those Wolverweenies in every facet of football and life. Smoker disagrees, telling them just before kickoff they’re just as pretentious as U-M since they refer to their school as THE Ohio State University. Enraged, the Bucks spend more time trying to formulate a logical comeback than playing defense, giving Smoker enough leeway to engineer the game-winning drive.

MSU 13, Ohio State 10

No. 2 Virginia Tech (8-0) at No. 3 Miami, Fla. (6-1)

The big question is the status of injured quarterback Michael Vick, who won’t start but may play with a sprained ankle. Certainly, Miami coach Butch Davis and the rest of his crew would rather Vick not play at all.

Special K: This week’s sign of the apocalypse is upon us - a big game in the Big East. I thought this only occurred in basketball. The Hurricanes take a major step toward the Orange Bowl with a win over Vick and the Hokies. Miami quarterback Ken Dorsey proves that Virginia Tech belongs in second place, as he tosses for four touchdowns in the ‘Canes’ triumph.

Miami 38, Virgina Tech 24

Arthole: Dave Meyer, Vick’s replacement, tries too hard and screws the Hokies’ chance for victory within the first minute. Rattled, the longtime backup consults his best friends for advice - his clipboard and Bubba, the baseball cap. Meyer soon learns the supportive voices he’s heard on the sidelines all this time were figments of his imagination. Now, the only things Meyer hears are “I’m gonna git you sucka,” taunts from the Miami ‘D’ and the fury of Hokie fans out for his head.

Miami 31, Virginia Tech 23

No. 12 U-M (6-2) at No. 21 Northwestern (6-2)

The winner of this game will be tied with Purdue at 5-1 in Big Ten play. The Wildcats are on a high after beating Minnesota last week on a dramatic Hail Mary pass. This game will prove if the Wildcat magic of the mid-1990s is back.

Special K: The Wildcats take an early lead by showing U-M which school really has the “smarts.” Led by running back Damien Anderson, the Wildcats trick the Wolverines with several misdirection plays, which U-M isn’t ready for. U-M proves to be the better team, albeit not the smarter one. Anthony Thomas takes a step toward the Heisman race with more than 200 yards rushing.

U-M 31, Northwestern 24

Arthole: Having held its last two opponents scoreless, the Wolverine ‘D’ used the “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” approach and didn’t bother to practice for Northwestern. Wildcat Zak “Preppy” Morris, I mean Kustok, doesn’t like how U-M failed to respect his skills, so he enlists his buddy A.C. Slater, decked in his trademark fluorescent tank top and Z. Cavaricci pants to bring some pain. After watching Slater take the beating of his life, Kustok forgot the guy was as weak as Screech. Somehow, Michigan also forgot how to play defense, a necessary element of a winning football team.

Northwestern 35, U-M 28

No. 10 Clemson (8-1) at No. 4 Florida State (8-1)

In Bowden Bowl II, Clemson coach Tommy Bowden attempts to dash the national championship hopes of his father, Florida State coach Bobby Bowden. The Seminoles, led by 28-year-old Chris Weinke, won last year’s match 17-14 and catch Clemson on the heels of their first loss of the season. Clemson quarterback Woody Dantzler is questionable with a calf injury.

Special K: In the first half, Florida State plays mostly second-stringers because they’re clearly not afraid of Clemson. The Tigers take this harshly, but have nothing to retaliate with, because the Seminoles’ backups are beating them. At halftime, Bobby Bowden realizes his team should dominate, since it will help their BCS standing. And that’s exactly what they do.

Florida State 42, Clemson 17

Arthole: Tommy’s got a strong Woody. Bobby’s got an old Weinke. Bobby proves to young Tommy that older is better, as his Weinke shreds the Tiger secondary much like Georgia Tech’s George Godsey did the week before. Woody hasn’t been so strong lately, and Tommy spends much of the first quarter getting his Woody to muster some strength to perform. Woody explodes for an unprecedented upset performance that destroys Florida State’s BCS hopes.

Clemson 21, Florida State 20

Jeff Karzen, State News football writer, can be reached at kazenje@msu.edu.

Arthur Alcid, State News football writer, can be reached at alcidart@msu.edu.

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