Saturday, December 4, 2021

Gridders will have small chance of victory at the big house

Outside of the Michigan-Michigan State game, the prognosticators find there are few interesting games in college football this weekend.

Records to date: Arthole: 20-10, Special K: 16-14

Michigan State (3-3) at No. 16 Michigan (5-2)

This year, the big game seems to lack the tenacity that it did in years past, with MSU on a three-game losing streak and U-M ranked rather low at No. 16.

Special K: The Wolverine faithful at Michigan Stadium are so convinced the Spartans will get killed that “only” 100,000 fans show up for game time. Spartan players take offense to this and, led by junior wide receiver Nate Keusch, jump out to an early lead. MSU then begins to rattle when the 100,000 at the Big House start screaming, “Keusch, Keusch, Who are you?” The Wolverines are inspired by their fans’ brilliance and march on to victory.

Michigan 24, MSU 16

Arthole: To avoid the distractions of Michigan week, Bobby Williams only allowed the captains - Renaldo Hill, Shaun Mason and Josh Thornhill - to comment to the media. The reality is, the team is so ravaged by injuries that the three of them are the only healthy players on the team. Three against a pack of Wolverines is bad news. After the win, Drew Henson proclaims himself to be the greatest athlete the state of Michigan has ever seen. Absolutely sassy!

Michigan 27, MSU 20

No. 21 Arizona (5-1) at No. 7 Oregon (5-1)

After taking out Washington and UCLA, Oregon’s next hurdle in its run for the PAC-10 championship is the surprising Arizona squad, which shares first place in the conference with the Ducks.

Special K: This is hardly a traditional West Coast battle, because defense steals the show. Neither team can move the football, and it gets so boring that fans leave the stadium in a sprint for the nearest brewery. Oregon’s Maurice Morris gallops for a 12-yard run in the fourth quarter in what makes for the most exciting play of the day. Try to get some cleaning done around the house when this game is on.

Oregon 13, Arizona 9

Arthole: After disgracing Washington’s Marques “Husky pants” Tuiasosopo, Oregon’s Maurice Morris continues his mental assault with dim-witted nicknames. This week’s victim is Arizona quarterback Ortege Jenkins. Morris spends the first three quarters getting the juices in his brain flowing and finally yells “Ortega Boy! Go shove your tacos up your @$$!” to Jenkins. Apparently, Jenkins enjoys tacos very much and takes the quip personally. Jenkins is last seen searching for Morris with tacos in hand.

Oregon 35, Arizona 17

Illinois (4-2) at Penn State (2-5)

Despite the difference in overall records, the Illini and the Nittany Lions share the same Big Ten record at 1-2. Illinois starts an important two-game stretch with Penn State, followed by a trip to Spartan Stadium.

Special K: Coming off a shutout against Iowa, Kurt Kittner and the Illini have newfound confidence. Kittner puts another smudge on Joe Paterno’s collared shirt as well as his record. Before he’s done, Kittner throws for 350 yards and causes fans at Beaver Stadium to chant for Paterno’s head and old-school gym shoes.

Illinois 28, Penn State 20

Arthole: After getting mad press in the recent issue of ESPN The Magazine, Kurt Kittner feels like the most important man in the world, or at least at Beaver Stadium. Little does he know he’s infringing on resident famous guy JoePa’s territory. Paterno doesn’t take kindly to Kittner’s boisterous conduct and hopes to set Kittner aflame with his Coke-bottle eyeglasses. Too bad the sun isn’t shining in Happy Valley this year. By the time Paterno ignites Kittner, the Illini have built an insurmountable lead.

Illinois 24, Penn State 14

No. 20 Notre Dame (4-2) at West Virginia (4-2)

The last time these two met was in 1997, and Notre Dame sent West Virginia home with a 21-14 loss. One thing going for the Mountaineers is the fact that the Irish have lost seven straight road games, dating back to Nov. 7, 1998.

Special K: Notre Dame’s defense becomes screwed up mentally when visions of former Mountaineer quarterback Major Harris dashing into the secondary flashes through their minds. Harris, who now plays for a semi-pro team in the Detroit area, is in attendance and feels important. Then Irish running back Julius Jones decides he doesn’t care about Harris or his stature in West Virginia and runs the Irish to victory.

Notre Dame 31, West Virginia 30

Arthole: Dissension among the Irish quarterback corps messes with the offense’s rhythm. Gary Godsey, last seen stinking up Spartan Stadium with his erratic skills, can’t believe freshman Matt LoVecchio is the starting quarterback. Godsey hatches a nefarious plan to switch jerseys so Bob Davie will think Godsey snuck onto the field. Then he’ll have to put LoVecchio in, who is actually Godsey and


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