Bar behavior is a beautiful thing. For some people, the main goal of the evening is to find a willing member of the opposite sex to talk with, dance with and form a lifelong friendship with - right.

Others are there just to chill out and have a good time. Whatever your intentions are, there are still typical bar occurrences that are worth overanalyzing and making fun of.

So here it is, an objective look at any given bar, on any given night.

First you have the pre-party primping. I can only speculate what men do - gel their hair, spray on half a bottle of cologne and they’re good to go.

If preparation was only that simple for women as it is for men.

First, you must consult your friends as to what vibe they’re going with for the night. Are they going as one of the stereotypical black-pants bar chicks or for the more casual look? Call me a conformist but I know I’m not the only girl out there who has whined “What are you wearing?” to her friends on a Friday night. This of course is followed by the glossy-eyed “I have no clothes” stare into a jam-packed closet.

Once you’ve changed five times - finally settling on what you had on to begin with - you can make the high-heeled trek to Grand River Avenue. Of course, at some bars the whole process of actually getting inside is a huge project. The bouncer stares at your ID skeptically, stares at you, ID, you, ID, you and soon you feel like you’re doing something wrong and really may not be 21. However, once he or she does a complete background and fingerprint check, you’re in.

People-watching is a given when you’re at the bar. Everyone must notice the drunk dancing girl - oh and she’s funny. She’s either by the band, dancing with the band or is the band. There may not be a dance floor, there may not even be music, but she won’t have any of it. She’s gyrating and grinding with the half-sober guy next to her and with her eyes shut and her liver screaming for mercy while she’s thinking, “I am hot.” You have to love the drunk dancing girl.

Then there is the scary staring guy. Ladies should know whom I’m talking about. You’re chillin’ with your friends and notice some guy staring. Whatever, no big deal, everyone stares at everyone after a few drinks. A few minutes later you glance up again, only to make the fatal second eye contact. Now the scary staring guy is thinking, “Sweet, she wants me,” and you’re thinking, “Um, stop staring.” So now you’re preoccupied with the starer. You compulsively keep looking up to see if he’s still staring - which he always is - and with each misinterpreted glance you’re reinforcing his pursuit.

So, guys, while you may be thinking, “Hey, eye contact,” she may be thinking, “What is your problem?”

There is usually someone who thinks a pick-up line is still an effective means of snagging a date. My favorite is one I heard last winter. Come to think of it, it was actually the work of a scary staring guy. He clearly misinterpreted my unintentional glances only to get up the courage to saunter over and say, “Hey, know how to ice skate?” No, I lied. “Wanna learn?” Uh, no. It was a meager attempt at a time-old trade. I personally prefer the “hi, my name is