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"He told me: you might have changed your address, but I'm always going to find you."

Members of the MSU community are all too familiar with domestic violence

October 29, 2014
<p>Riya, a psychology senior who chose not to use her real name, recounts her personal experience with domestic violence. </p>

Riya, a psychology senior who chose not to use her real name, recounts her personal experience with domestic violence. 

Photo by Jessalyn Tamez | The State News

Every time Aubrey sees her rapist on campus, her heart drops.

She said it happens often — at least once a semester — when she crosses paths with her ex-boyfriend. Her batterer. Her abuser.

The first few times, she said it would leave her with nightmares about the three-year-long stretch of abuse she endured with him.

But the most recent time she locked eyes with her abuser on a bustling campus sidewalk, something was different.

“It was actually pretty empowering,” said Aubrey, a senior in James Madison College who asked not to be named. “The last time I was with him I felt so small, but now through validating my experiences, I just felt really big. Like he can’t hurt me anymore.”

For Aubrey, overcoming the physical, mental and sexual abuse she experienced during her senior year of high school and freshman year of college at MSU has been a long, winding road.

While Aubrey is a different person now than she was a few years ago, she said there will always be memories that haunt her, lingering leftovers from what feels like a past life.

“My story is not unique,” she said of her experiences with domestic violence. “There are so many people on this campus just like me.”

And unfortunately, Aubrey is right.

As Domestic Violence Awareness Month draws to a close, many survivors, advocates and experts on the topic are far from wrapping up their efforts.

For many of them, the fight back has just begun.

Twenty years of Safe Place

When MSU Safe Place Founder and Director Holly Rosen started the organization, it was the only domestic violence shelter on a college campus in the nation.

Twenty years later, it still is.

Safe Place, which celebrated its 20 year anniversary earlier this month, provides housing, advocacy services, childcare, transportation and other services to people experiencing domestic violence within the MSU community.

Despite proving the services are needed on a large college campus, Rosen said many universities are reluctant to follow suit.

“Of the three main reasons I’ve kind of heard over the years, one is financial, which is a reality,” Rosen said. “The other one is liability, because especially when you have a shelter, there’s this fear that when you have all these victims condensed in one area that all these batterers are going to come onto campus and abuse or kill them or threaten the rest of the campus. That’s just not realistic because domestic violence is already happening on our campus. It’s everywhere.”

Additionally, Rosen said colleges are worried about reputations. A large myth Rosen encounters in her work is that educated people don’t experience domestic violence — which, she said, is completely false.

“They don’t want that image of ‘well, they’re getting a program on their campus, so their campus must be extra dangerous,’” she said.

Rosen said the shelter usually has around 21 beds filled with students, faculty or other MSU-affiliated people. In addition to helping survivors navigate legal systems and personal protection orders, Safe Place provides help for those who want to leave abusive relationships, but also those who choose to stay in them.

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Rosen said it’s easier for people to ask why a person stays in an abusive relationship, instead of placing blame on the abuser, but people stuck in abusive relationships sometimes find it easier to stay in them instead of facing retaliation if they try to leave.

“Sometimes it might feel safer to stay in an abusive relationship and sometimes it is,” Rosen said. “If you leave an abusive relationship, especially if there’s a lot of violence and use of weapons, it could result in a domestic violence homicide.”

Abusive relationships come in all forms, and MSU Safe Place and other campus resources deal with the different types every day.

“A common misconception is that domestic violence occurs only when there is a physical assault or contact, when in reality domestic violence includes many forms of power and control tactics,” MSU Counseling Center’s Sexual Assault Program Coordinator Shari Murgittroyd said in an email. “The dynamics of domestic or relationship violence can also include threats of violence, destroying personal property, driving recklessly, emotional abuse, and financial exploitation.”

Many other student organizations utilized October to hold awareness and fundraising events for relationship violence.

South Asian multicultural sorority Sigma Sigma Rho held a candlelight vigil last week with sorority Alpha Phi Gamma to honor survivors and victims of domestic violence.

The event was part of a week-long effort by the sorority called Sigma for Society that featured multiple opportunities to raise funds and awareness.

Electrical engineering senior Samanta Hoque said the sorority, for which the main philanthropy is awareness and prevention of domestic violence, donated to multiple local shelters and organizations.

“For us, our society is the community we live in,” said Hoque, philanthropy chair for the organization. “Our first priority should be the community we are living (in).”

Survivors, not victims

“Where do you think you’re going? I can see you getting ready through your bedroom window.”

“I’ll commit suicide if you leave me.”

“No matter where or when in your life, I’ll make sure you’re never happy with anyone else.”

After finally gaining the courage to break off an abusive relationship with her then-boyfriend, psychology senior Riya — who asked to be called by another name for fear of retaliation if she spoke publicly — was bombarded with threatening phone calls and text messages from her abuser, which still continue today.

Even though Riya has since cut off all ties with mutual friends, moved to a new apartment and blocked her abuser’s calls, Riya said he still calls from disposable phones and pay phones.

“Sometimes he would talk, sometimes he will just breathe into the phone,” she said. “One time he played recorded crying noises. It’s the scariest thing in the world.”

Earlier this year, her ex-boyfriend showed up to an event on campus to confront her.

“Four years later, my whole experience at MSU has been haunted by a mistake I made when I was 17 years old — being with someone I shouldn’t have been with,” Riya said.

The relationship, which started in high school and continued into Riya’s early years of college, was marked by isolation tactics, manipulation and sexual abuse.

Despite going to police both in East Lansing and her hometown, Riya said the threats and harassment haven’t ceased. What’s more, Riya is afraid to file a restraining order against her ex, because doing so would give him her new address.

The harassment has affected Riya’s relationships afterward, as well as her mental well-being.

“His car has a certain noise, and every time I would hear a noise that somewhat resembled his car, even if was three or four in the morning and I was out cold, I would wake up in a sweat, run to my windows and roll up the blinds to make sure he wasn’t there,” she said.

But despite the threats, harassment, and gash the ordeal has left in Riya’s life, she has taken her experiences and managed to use them as fuel for a career in survivor legal advocacy.

“It’s what has given me purpose,” Riya said. “I never really knew what I wanted to do or wanted to go. But domestic violence (prevention) is something I have invested so much time in.”

Preventing a persistent evil

Riya said if she can help even one person not experience what she had to go through, it will make all of it worthwhile.

Like Aubrey, Riya is a Sexual Assault and Relationship Violence workshop peer educator, and spends much of her time working to educate incoming freshman on the topic.

Both women said despite the work they do, there is much more that needs to be done.

Often during the workshops, Riya said she encounters students who laugh or don’t take the workshops seriously.

“You just want to shake them,” Riya said. “And tell them, its happened to me, and statistically it has a good chance of happening to you or someone you know, so pay attention.”

Knowing she is making a difference in the perceptions of relationship violence is something Riya said she draws strength from.

“There’s no other choice. You pick up the pieces and deal with it, or you let it defeat you,” she said. “When you are given no other option but to be strong, you have to be.”

Similarly, Aubrey used her experiences as a stepping stone to get where she is today.

Besides working to educate students, Aubrey also said she has enjoyed multiple internships working in politics where she has had opportunities to influence her community. Although she said her abuse will never be forgotten, Aubrey uses her story to empower herself and reach out to others.

“I returned to a version of myself I would have been if this abuse had never happened,” Aubrey said. “I was always very determined. In a way I’m almost grateful for it. This has made me stronger.”

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