The List — The Fanatic’s Fantasy Football

I have two fantasy football drafts today. Like most of the millions of sports fans who will labor over whether to draft Chris Henry (the Titans’ tailback, not the criminal) or Mason Crosby (the Packers’ kicker) with my 11th round pick, I have no idea what I’m doing.

I have a few friends who I’ll be competing against in one league who could probably skip their first three picks and still find every diamond in the rough to win in a rout. They know who will be a 2008 ESPN Fantasy Football Hall of Famer by the second week of the preseason. It’s almost like they have scouts with the Kansas City Chiefs telling them Larry Johnson’s going to break his foot six weeks before it happens.

So I need to find a way to level the playing field. I need to make fantasy football so reliant on luck that it makes roulette look like a skillful endeavor.

The solution: I need to make it so detailed that you’re picking players on the 16th page of the depth chart who have the same impact as LT or Brian Westbrook.

So this week’s version of The List: Five positions that need to be added to the fantasy football roster so that NFL illiterate morons like me aren’t throwing away $10 on each league every year.

1. Conditioning teams: The strength and conditioning teams are as important to fantasy football as anyone, and it’s time they started pulling their weight by being held accountable for pulled hammies.
(Points: Start with 20, injured starter = -2, player with fourth quarter cramps = -1, season-ending injury for starter = -10, keeping Fred Taylor from needing a cane to carry the ball = +43.)

2. Head coaches: In crunch time, head coaches can be just as important as the players on the field. Why shouldn’t they get the same PT (that’s point time) as the athletes?
(Points: Start with 30, calling unnecessary timeout = -3, blowing fourth quarter call = -10, making surprisingly smart substitution = +5, choosing the wind in overtime = automatic firing.)

3. Player’s agents: JaMarcus Russell held out of Raiders camp and the first game of the 2007 season. Fantasy footballers everywhere who had penciled him in as starter in front of Rex Grossman and a garbage can suffered as a result and deserve retribution.
(Points: Start with 10, holding out player for half of preseason = -5, letting your player change last name to Spanish numbers = -15, being Drew Rosenhaus = start with -10.)

4. Punters: If kickers get so much fantasy pub, why don’t their less talented counterpart? I know Peyton Manning has more respect for punters than those idiot, liquored-up kickers (so maybe that’s just Mike Vanderjagt). You should, too.
(Points: Kick of more than 50 yards = +5, pinning kick inside the 20 = +5, pinning kick inside the 5 = +10, stabbing punter in the leg = full ride to the University of Northern Colorado.)

5. Team’s fans: In the end, fantasy football is about you. There’s a reason it’s called “fan”tasy football. If they want to make fantasy football truly interactive, give them points to get off their butts and actually go to a game instead of cheering for Brock Huard to throw three touchdowns.
(Points: Sellout = +5, blackout = -15, causing an unneeded timeout because of crowd noise = +2, being a Lions fan = there’s absolutely no reward for being that.)